Ep 28 | A Writer-Traveler-Wife-And-Mom-Of-Five Finds God Present in Her Weakness

This conversation is dear to me because this woman is dear to me. Lauren and Matt Papa live in Florida with their 5 amazing kids. We met over 10 years ago and she's been a mentor and sister-friend to me ever since. She's a humble, creative, inspiring soul and I speak for many when I say you leave her presence always feeling a little more refreshed. She shares of the new depth her friendship with God has taken, the changes in her prayer life, how her pride can often get in the way and how powerful it is that God is Light. 

Transcript

Chelsea Eubank: 0:06

Hey friends, welcome to Real stories of life with God, a podcast with a pretty explanatory title, because that's what we're here for a conversation with real people about their unique life with God. I'm your host Chelsea Eubank. And I'm so glad you're here. Let's jump into today's episode. All right, all right. some context for people on my end, we've been friends for a very long time. So yeah, tell us a little bit about you

Lauren Papa: 0:32

were in high school. I've known you since you're in high school.

Chelsea Eubank: 0:36

And been like a readily I mean, I thought we had it like four or five years in there. We didn't talk that much. But I mean, it's like we've been pretty regular. Even if it was like, Facebook messages, you know?

Lauren Papa: 0:47

Yeah, I mean, especially to be long distance. I think that we've kept up a good bit over the years.

Chelsea Eubank: 0:52

Yeah. So. Okay, tell us a little bit about you. Yeah, um,

Lauren Papa: 0:57

well, my name is Lauren Papa. And my husband's name is Matt. We have been married for almost 14 years, which is kind of fun to celebrate in the next few weeks, and then we have five kiddos, I've homeschooled for nine years. We're about to have a teenager on our hands. It is crazy, having kind of transitioning from that season of parenting, where you go from, I sort of call it like the front nine and the back nine. So the front nine, when things are so much more hands on, you're changing diapers, you're potty training, you're buckling into car seats, and, you know, putting your kid in the grocery cart and all the things that make parenting very physical. But now transitioning to the season with middle schoolers where things are not as physically hands on, but there are a lot more emotional dynamics to what's going on. So that's kind of where we are, we have some younger ones, and then two middle schoolers right now. And I really, really love to travel internationally, it's probably one of the places outside of, you know, what I do as a as a wife and a mom, being overseas is one of the things that makes me really feel alive. And then I I love to write. And that's been kind of a slow and quiet journey I've been on for a lot of years, but it's something I'm really passionate about.

Chelsea Eubank: 2:23

Cool. I'm gonna read two of the scripture verses that inspire to these questions. Kind of where I got some of these questions Jesus is asked in Matthew 22, which commandment of the law is the greatest and he says Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind in the second love your neighbor as yourself? So, Lord, what currently stirs your love for God?

Lauren Papa: 2:45

Um, well, when I was thinking about how to answer that Chelsea I, I hesitated to go this direction, because it seems a little bit more somber, I guess. But as I as I thought about it, really what stirs my love for God in this season, is the way that he meets me in my weakness. It's never fun to see things that we're not good at, or insecurities that we have, or just send struggles that are so hard to overcome. But I feel like even though this has been a really sweet and beautiful season of life, since we, we made it, we made a move recently. And it has been a beautiful, wonderful time. And yet, I'm seeing all of these same struggles in my heart and what continues to stir my love for the Lord is how I can fall flat on my face, make really big mistakes. And he is constantly there meeting me in the midst of that. And it's just been a really, really precious thing to know the Lord. Not just as God, the Almighty, wonderful, magnificent creator, but as my friend and my best friend and my confidant, the one that I can put my trust in. And my anchor, you know, in the midst of the storm, so yeah, those those things have have stirred my love a lot lately.

Chelsea Eubank: 4:21

Have you noticed a lot of difference? Like hearing you talk about that? The biggest thing that comes to mind, it's a practice maybe that would probably change is like your prayer, like the way you talk to him like your prayer life. And so is there could you talk a little bit about maybe how you feel like your prayer life has changed? Or maybe how quick you respond to things where you know, you just, yeah, a little maybe how you've related to him. Different one of those disciplines, maybe?

Lauren Papa: 4:49

Yeah, no, that's something I've thought about a lot. So when I was in college, I'm gonna I'll kind of roll back the time clock just a little bit. I'm 36. Now so It's been a minute since I've been in college. But I was fortunate enough to have I lived off campus, I had my own room. And I remember this season of life and I would, I would say, intimacy with the Lord, when I would, I was up at probably 445, every morning, and I had such a good regimen and routine. And I would, I had my journal out, I was like, in my closet with my my Bible in my journal, and I would sing and I would pray, and I had so much time to just dig in and dig deep. And it was just really a season of a running hard after the Lord in those in those kinds of ways. And then, as we brought children into the world, you know, flash forward a few years of like, been on the mission field in Turkey for a while, come home, I get married, we get pregnant five months after we got married, which rocked our world, in the best way. But it was an adjustment nonetheless, nonetheless. And so I went through these years of just feeling like I was tired all the time, just exhausted. And so I really struggled with like it, I guess it came to a point for me where I felt like, as I looked back on this relationship I had with God, when I was younger, I almost felt like the Israelites, when God delivers them out of Egypt. And they're turning back looking, and going, but we want to go back to what was like, it may not have been perfect, but what we had, you know, at least we had food, at least we had this. And instead of embracing the ways that God was trying to speak to me and meet with me in this new season that felt so foreign to me, I just was looking over my shoulder a lot going, but I'm not spending as much time reading the Bible, I am not reading the Bible every single day, multiple times a day, I am not spending 30 minutes praying for my friends, my family more, you know, all these things. And so I sort of carried this just a lot of guilt for a while, like, you know, I just I couldn't, I felt like I couldn't relate to the Lord in the same way. And now, almost 14 years into marriage and almost 13 years into being a mom, I never stopped talking to the Lord. It isn't. I mean, it is rare that I have this large amount of consecrated quiet, not moving time in my life. And yet I feel closer to him than I ever have. And so that's been a really gentle and sweet transition that I've made in in that relationship with him where it it really is just a constant conversation for me. And one thing that I will say is amazing is like I was saying I did spend in my like teenage, early 20 years, I really generally spent so much time in the Scriptures. And what's amazing to me now is that those seeds that were sown into my heart of, you know, just like repetition and diligence and focus and concentration, memorizing Scripture, hiding his word in my heart, what I find now is that in seasons that are harder to actually sit down and get that, you know, really intimate, deep content time. The word never leaves me. I mean, it is it overflows on my, like, out of my heart and on my lips, because it's buried so deeply in my heart. And so it's, it's really neat to see, how does this mean, it really is true, the seats that you ship you so they, they reap the harvest. And and it's been neat to see that in my own life in those ways. Yeah,

Chelsea Eubank: 8:49

I love that.

Lauren Papa: 8:50

I think there's a really delicate balance with that, too. I'm a little bit older than you. And I remember as I was coming up through I was raised in church, and like went to youth group and did all the activities. And I was sort of coming through that in this moment where spiritual disciplines were. They were kind of starting to get a bad rap. You know, like it was like, oh, no, you don't have to have your checklist. No, you don't have to this this is Oh, yeah, tick the box, which is so true, right? Like a relationship with Christ is not about ticking a box on. Okay. And but I think something that was lost was that there's a value in discipline, you know, no, you don't have to tick a box. No, God doesn't love you anymore, or any less because you do or don't read your Bible every single day or you fast once a month or whatever his love for us is unchanging. And yet, like any relationship, when you devote time to it, it deepens and it becomes it's not duty. Its delight, but I mean ask any take a you No professional athlete, for instance, you have to put in the time and reps on practice and watching, like, you know, playing back your videos, seeing what needs to be tweaked. You have to put in the reps to get where you want to be. And I don't think that many things in life are different. It's, you know, wherever you put your time and attention, you're going to see growth in the right direction. It's kind of the grass is greener where you water it, so to speak. Mm

Chelsea Eubank: 10:29

hmm. Yeah, it's good. Work currently stifled your love for God.

Lauren Papa: 10:35

This one man. Pride. Pride is what stifles my love for God the most. And it's, it's somewhat it's, it's humbling for me to share this today, because I, as I mentioned, I really love to write. And I wrote, I pin something yesterday, I shared it on my Instagram that was a is kind of based on a quote by William Blake, and is a just like a couple lines of poetry that he wrote. And I was writing about how important it is not to put chains and fetters on the gifts, like the good gifts that we have have wings, right? They're made to fly. And when we bind those things with chains, we end up with this like white knuckled grip, trying to hold on to something. And sort of I was writing about that yesterday. And then last night, something something happened. And it just put the idea just pressed the button of insecurity in my heart, right? It doesn't, I just I don't think it matters, how old we get, there are just still some things that are going to strike these tender chords in our heart. And it's been really like, as I mentioned, we recently moved. And it's been hard for me, because I love where we are so deeply and so grateful and so happy. And truly, there's nowhere else I would want to be. I'm so grateful that this is where God brought us. But it was really tough leaving relationships behind. Because that season, when we were in Atlanta, was one of the deepest relationally that I've ever experienced in my life. And leaving those friends behind and watching them move on. And feeling replaced, which is like, I know, in my head, that that isn't true. But my heart like that distance from my head to my heart. Still pretty big sometimes. And but today, I was just very thing, and how I just fell a little bit sad and wounded. And it just like it hit this really this really uncomfortable place for me. And I was just talking to the Lord about it and realizing that that is my pride, you know, at the root of that insecurity at the root of that fear of being replaced by someone else is this pride that I that I need and deserve the attention and you know, and I should be goodness, I mean, I want to be the kind of friend who rejoices at the relationships that God brings into my life and that he continues to care for and love on and shepherd, the people that I've you know, left in different cities and countries around the world. And that is it. You know, it shouldn't make me feel insecure. But if I'm honest, Chelsea it did, you know? So so here I am. But what I was seeing in that is, as I felt that like oh my goodness, I I've been replaced. It made me feel so frantic. And like I was scrambling and it was so much harder to see God's goodness and to see His provision and to walk in thankfulness to him praising him for all the amazing things that he's done. For me and for my friends. It's so much harder to live that out when I am feeling so just ripped apart on the inside. Like I'm just you know, grasping No, I've got to get back in there. I need that attention. I deserve that attention. So anyway, I would just say that that pride is for sure. Is something that can stifle the love of God for any of us, you know?

Chelsea Eubank: 14:33

Yes. Whoa, yes.

Lauren Papa: 14:38

That's pretty. That's pretty raw.

Chelsea Eubank: 14:41

But speaking as someone who is so relationally wired, who identifies with my relation in relationships, you know, it's hard for me to separate myself a little bit. Yeah, I feel that deeply. Um, and some of it's not even like, I like in this case, it was actually I need that attention or I, that time or energy. For me, it's a lot of I'm trying to meet needs that maybe God is not asking me to meet. So if I was in your position I would be I would be feeling shame and guilt and frantic and worrisome over the fact that they need me and I'm not there, and I can't be there. Yeah. And I'm a terrible friend, you know what I mean? But yeah, he's like, I'm all sufficient for them, you are not the savior, you are not yet, you know. And if you're not directly involved, that doesn't mean you can't pray for them or intercede for them in a way that might be better for them, because I'm providing for them, and I'm enough for them. And even though you are a bonus, even though you're moved away, I can I can feel that temptation to say I am what they need, my friendship is what they need. And then I get anxious, because I can't meet that need for some combat for some reason, you know, distance or time or season of life or just other responsibilities. It's hard, it's hard for me to rest in the Lord and trust his pace and leading saying like, is this a friend for me right now? Because there might be someone else that he would rather me put that energy toward? And just be okay. trusting him with my relationship with this person? Maybe. But it's hard to do that. Yeah.

Lauren Papa: 16:14

But you know, I think I think that, right there, like what we're talking about, we're talking about grasping at godhood. Right? Yes. Oh, yeah. That that's what it is. It's, you know, I, we we want to be all sufficient. You know, we want to be all sufficient. But the reality is, we are like, we are bound to time and place. And yes, seasons of life, which, in some seasons, we have more to give, and others, we have much, much less to give. And I don't think we're doing ourselves any favors when we we can't stay focused on where God has us versus, again, like to go back to what I was saying earlier, like, look at that, like turning over the shoulder and looking back to Egypt and saying, but I want to go back there. I want to go back to the way things were. Instead of walking forward with God in maybe it is into the unknown in a lot of ways, but you're also into deeper oneness with him. So anyway,

Chelsea Eubank: 17:21

Oh, yes. Good. Yes. Okay. Fill in the blank. The truth that God is blank means a lot to you, because, like,

Lauren Papa: 17:32

I'm going to actually start, I gotta flip over here to the Old Testament really quickly, to find my spot. I'm going to start by reading a verse before I answer that. So this is Micah, starting in chapter seven, verse seven. But as for me, I will look to the Lord, I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Rejoice not over me, my enemy. When I fall, I shall rise. When I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me, I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I've sinned against him until he pleads my cause and execute judgment for me. He will bring me out to the light, and I will look upon his vindication. So the way I'd answer that question is I it comforts me to know that he is light. Because there truly is so much darkness in world and I think, over the last couple of years, we've seen that in a whole new way. Not that this is unusual to that. I mean, when you look at the history of the world, a lot of hard things have happened. But But I do think it's probably the most intense season of darkness that I have seen in my 36 years. And so knowing that the Lord is light, that he is life, that salvation is in him that really does just the I Love, metaphors and allergies. And I I love the way the word speaks to me with that, especially we we live in South Florida, near the beach, and I get to see the sky so much, the sunrise and the sunset. And the Lord speaks to me through that often just in realizing that you know that that contrast between light and darkness is real. But there's so much hope that even when the darkness comes even when the sun sets, it's going to rise the next day, because he says it will. Right. And so knowing that his life that's not only who he is, but the light is what is coming for us. We don't have to live in fear. Yes, there are. There are thing to be fearful of right now. But we don't As believers, we don't have to be gripped by that. Because our hope is not in the circumstances around us, our hope isn't something that can never be taken. It can never be taken away from our grip, because he is good. And he holds us and that light that encompasses him. That's what we are pressing on towards, even in dark times. So yeah, light in the dark. Love that.

Chelsea Eubank: 20:36

Me too. And that passage to what I love most about that, I think is, it can be really tempting to find a way if we're in a dark season, or we're encountering dark things, to find a way to either go around them, or ignore them, or hide from them, or cover them up or something. Or numb out or distract ourselves from them. Yeah. But I feel like that kind of belief, or that kind of rehearsing of that truth to ourselves, is a waste through a way in, like way to be in like we said about the sun will set and dark will come. But yeah, Sunrise is coming. And so I can sit in the nighttime. Mm hmm. courageously and peacefully. As opposed to going around or hiding from a running away from you know,

Lauren Papa: 21:33

my friend, Rachel always says The way out is through. And I, I studied a steady job, I was going through a really, really dark season. This was probably, oh goodness, maybe four years ago. It was the hardest season of I've ever walked through in my entire life. And I read the book of Job without commentaries. Without podcasts without sermons. Without footnotes, my Bible, I just read the book of Job for 12 solid months, I read it slowly. And I didn't I mean, it was I was sitting with one or two verses at a time. And one of the things that struck me so much about that was, you do have there's this imagery of you know, job sitting with his friends, and they are just trying so hard to figure out his problems. And the thing that I walked away with like realizing was that we don't know how long that timeless, but but you do get the idea from the scriptures that this was not an overnight thing. This wasn't like they came over and had coffee and kind of laid into him for all the things he was probably doing wrong. And then the Lord came and it was all fine. There really is the feeling that this was this was a process. This was a journey. And as I came to the end of it, I was thinking about how the Lord allowed them to sit in that he knew that their judgments on Joe were wrong. And he knew the dark night of the soul that Job was having. And at any moment, he could have come in and said, hey, guess what, guys, you're wrong, you're wrong. This has nothing to do with what Job did this is like, I have got a bigger purpose in this and you just keep holding on hope. You know, he could have done that at any point. But the Lord is strong enough to let us feel sorrow. And that is so compelling to me. I think so many other world religions, try to push feeling out, right, it's all about like going into yourself and like summoning up this sense of inner peace and I'm going to pull it all together and I'm going to push out the noise and I'm going to push out the pain. And it almost is like why would to me I go that doesn't even seem human. Right? Because because we do feel pain and that pain has to go somewhere. But he did allow job to ask questions to doubt to fear to experience the veil of darkness over his face. Without without rushing him through it. You know and just like this verse, verse says, When I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me. I'm not looking for some inner light that I drum on myself, right? I it it is it is Christ in me the hope of glory. That is the light in my darkness, not my own strength, my ability to pull myself up by my bootstraps or solve my problems or you know, whatever it is Christ in me the hope of glory.

Chelsea Eubank: 24:47

Yeah. With you all the way. It's good. Okay, last thing, what is something you're looking forward to?

Lauren Papa: 24:55

Oh, um, I Goodness, what I'm looking forward to is this project that doesn't really have a name yet. Oh, yeah, um, but part of part of the beauty of coming down to where we live is, God has just dropped us into these really, really deep and sweet friendships. And I have seen in such as, I don't know, I guess it should have been a more tangible way, what community is supposed to look like what life together is supposed to look like for the believer. And I have some friends who have this amazing idea. And I am going to help try to get this idea like, basically turn it from an idea into something that is real. And it's a it's really exciting to me, I like I said, I have five kids and I really have not had the time or mental bandwidth to kind of chase down any things like this in a long time. And so it feels it feels sort of good to, to just try something that is going to be really challenging to me, that's going to push me but but the piece that I'm most excited about is doing it with people that I believe in with my whole heart people that I love, who you know, who love us who love our kids that you know we're doing life with and there's something about coming alongside somebody and holding their arms up and shouldering not just burdens but dream. Shouldering dreams together and just moving those a little bit further down the field. It's just it's a really fun and exciting thing to do.

Chelsea Eubank: 26:49

What was that? What was that working genius thing we did when we did you know Yeah, foreign guys are like, I'm thinking about that. Now as you're talking I'm like this is Lauren's like bread and butter. Like, I don't know how this is gonna go but I'm having the best time trying to make it happen. Yeah. Love it. Well, I appreciate your time. as good and as wonderful as I knew it would be girl.

Lauren Papa: 27:09

Thank you so much.

Chelsea Eubank: 27:12

Listening friends, it means a lot that you added us to your day today. Thank you so much. Wherever you find yourself on your journey with Jesus. I hope you finished this episode with your faith teared, refreshed or strengthened. Until next time